three short consumptions for a rainy day

I got my first tattoo on Tuesday and I understand it’s a bit cliche for the writer with a blog (newsletter?) to squeeze meaning out of ordinary encounters, but I’m going to do it anyways.

There were a couple of reasons I wanted to get a tattoo:

A big part of me has always been afraid of the concept of finality. I subconsciously run away from things that seem to have an irreversible impact on my life. Mostly I’m not afraid of the regret but rather the idea that I can’t go back. When I first came out of the closet the thing that scared me the most was the idea that I could be wrong (lol) and couldn’t take back my choice once I’ve made. In a similar way it’s what makes me a little squeamish about the concept of marriage. I don’t like things like eternal promises or bonds.

Of course though, a tattoo is quiet literally permanent. I suppose you can get a laser treatment, but ultimately you’ve changed your body. But, I don’t want to live my life afraid of doing anything simply because I might regret it later. I want to look back at my past choices with kindness and humor and love, not disdain. Realistically, I want to treat my past self kinder—not as some error-prone being but as someone living a life the best they can.

When the world is literally always awful it’s super helpful to invest some time in a world-building game. I don’t have anything insightful to say here, just I’m loving making cute buildings:

I didn’t know the main singer from Remember Sports released a solo album, Eyes Like a Mirror. When I found that out, I’ve been listening to it pretty much nonstop.

Earnestly, I think she’s a talented lyricist. There’s something about the way she uses words that I find mesmerizing and so accurate. She’s capable of conveying these super specific emotions that seem intertwined with the mundane acts of living.

I’m reminded of a short story writing professor who talked about using the appropriate wrong word to describe someone. How a lot of people think writing is about finding the most appropriate word to describe a character or their motivations. But, sometimes, it’s about using the word that makes the most sense for the character, even if the literal meaning of that word doesn’t fit.

To be fair, I don’t think Perry is doing that in all of her songs. But I do think there’s something interesting going on with the plainness of the language. It’s almost as if she’s omitting words, only telling you as much as she wants to, but letting the music fill in those missing gaps in the story or feeling or sensation.

I just think this is a really good way of describing a conflict between past desires and current situations.

I like this one because I do think my job is dumb a lot of the time and I do think a lot of people from my past never even think about me and it often really hurts!

What a great way of describing a sort of uneasy love. This feeling of loving someone so much who is constantly pushing themselves away from you subconsciously, meanwhile you’re just fascinated by who they are, sort of soaking in every minor detail about them.

I wonder how many people are conscious of this exact feeling? Of recognizing in the present that, in the past, you weren’t aware of your feelings changing. I think about it all the time: how I’m constantly changing or evolving. Maybe that’s not the sentiment of this song but it’s what it evokes in me: this idea of cycles of rumination leading to all of the same conclusions, no matter how hard you try.