hello again - 7 consumptions

👋hi it’s been a while1. Here’s what’s consuming me:

1. somatic 

I decided to go back to therapy. The long days and high heat of summer have been messing with my mind and I’ve been feeling aimless, anxious, and depressed. I wanted this therapy to be different than my therapy before. I stopped last time because we kept cycling through the same patterns: I feel anxious, try these CBT things, and report back. While I value CBT for the tools it gave me to tackle my anxious thoughts, black-and-white thinking, and catastrophizing, I wanted to explore more of myself—hoping to chart a path through my past to the current version of my sadness.

We’re practicing some somatic work: helping me tune more into the way my body feels and less on what my mind is thinking. I tend to intellectualize during therapy and throw up walls of reasoning rather than letting myself be vulnerable and admit what I’m feeling. I’ve only cried twice during therapy, which is honestly not something to be proud of.

Some assorted thoughts on starting therapy again:

• My therapist suggested writing down my feelings as I have them and bringing them into the session. It feels cringy to have a feelings journal when you’re a 31-year-old.

• I had too much caffeine a few weeks ago and started an anxious spiral comparing where I’m currently in my therapy journey to where I was at last time I started therapy and catastrophizing the inevitable future that might bring.

• My last therapist knew all about my past relationships so there was some ease to bringing them back up in my sessions. I knew I’d eventually have to bring up my relationships this time and didn’t want to. I didn’t want therapy to focus solely on my relationships with men or my current relationship (because I am happy and secure in my current relationship). I also didn’t want to have to rehash or relitigate everything that happened in my past, though I suppose in some ways that’s what therapy is about.

2. Dawntrail

I finished Dawntrail about a week, maybe two weeks ago. I liked a lot of it, most specifically the idea that your WOL isn’t the primary focus of the expansion. I loved hanging out in the background and the not-so-subtle nods they’d give towards your character being like “Yeah he could fuck you up, he’s choosing not to.”

A lot of people didn’t like Dawntrail and didn’t like it primarily because of Wok Lamat. I can sort of see their critiques: Wok Lamat takes up a lot of screen time that could be distributed better to others. However, it seems like a lot of people are trying to come to terms with what FFXIV is after Endwalker. I think in a lot of ways, the developers/producers are as well. Endwalker was an emotional end to a 10-year campaign. Its story was focused on the endearing spirit of humanity even in the bleakest of times. It could have been an expert end to the series as a whole, which makes it harder for any future expansion. After all, where do you go when you’ve literally been to the edge of existence and back?

Storywise, I see Dawntrail as a reset or a first step towards a more complicated story. I think the producers are pretty set on not following the pattern of “here’s the next big evil” that’s common in games like this. The second half of Dawntrail sort of confirms that to me. They seem more interested in exploring the different aspects of culture and humanity that exist in the reflections than they do in stopping some big evil from punishing the world. I also think that the second-half zones are some of the most beautifully designed we’ve seen in the game so far and how we progress through that final zone is a great example of the sophistication of the FFXIV writers and designers.

1. Shadow of the Erdtree

Elden Ring is so back. It’s remarkable how fun it is to jump back into this game after being away for so long. I used my new game+ character so had a much easier time making the transition from the original areas (though I did still have to re-do a lot of stuff before getting to the new area) to the new DLC area.

I changed my build from Glintstone Sorceror to a Death Mage build that I’m honestly kinda regretting right now. So far I’ve made easy work of a lot of the bosses (okay fighting the big dragon I did have to take a break to go cool off and pack some boxes), but am literally slamming my head against a wall trying to beat Mesmeer2. It’s a good frustration though.

4. Moving

Zach and I are moving next this week and we’re both so ready for it. Our place was nice when we first got here but it’s had some really annoying frustrations. The thing I’ll miss most about our current apartment is the community. Getting a dog has forced me to socialize a lot more with the other dog owners here, and it feels nice to stop and chat just for a bit with your neighbors or to go to a dog park together.

Our new place is a duplex, just five minutes from where we currently live. It’s very pretty and has a great outdoor space (a hopeful treat for Cookie), a separate free-standing place in the backyard that we’re going to convert to a board game room, a beautiful patio, and a great walk-in pantry. I’m excited to have a place where I can invite folks over because I want to start being more social, hosting board game nights, family dinners, or anything else. I think this place will make that more possible.

1. Young Mungo, Douglas Stuart

So far I’m only a few chapters into this book but I’m absolutely in love with it. There’s something about Stuart’s writing that scratches the right itch for me. He’s got a real knack for writing these perfectly presented sentences that highlight a character’s voice without being too obvious or explicit. I wish I could write that way.

1. Twisters

A good movie! I had so much fun watching it last night even though 3/4th of the way through I choked on ice and my phone alarm for Cookie’s medicine went off in the theater!

1. D&D

Zach started DMing a campaign with me and two other folks we were online mutuals with. I’m having a lot of fun and it’s been a bit since I’ve actually played a campaign rather than DMing a campaign. It’s also been great to transition an online mutual following into a friendship.